Give up

Stop pouring your energy into bottomless wells love.

You are already having to fight for so many other things in your life..

stop hoping for the people who are willing to walk out of your life and not even bat an eye love.

Let them go.

Let them leave.

Cause they aren’t even thinking about you anymore.

Clarity after the wreckage

The monsters are back. They have taken claim of my body and my mind. They have twisted me into the person I am not.. the rage and the wreckage has been done.. and now I am left to clean the destruction. No amount of sorries, no amount of tears, no amount of guilt will fix this mess.

Artificial Light

When we first started my one ask and hope from you was to be my moon.

I have been plagued by so many broken hearts and so many insecurities from men who just always discarded me

So I asked for your honesty.. I asked for you to give me pureness.. because I was finally finding it on my own.. I finally was working on myself.. but you promised me to be your moon. You promised to fill my days with light and love.

And so I fell for you.. so fucking hard. You where my world and I could think of anything but you and how happy I was to be orbiting around you and your life.

But one day you stole that light from me.. you kept on taking and taking from my rays of sunshine.. and I happily let you.. until you drained me dry. That promise of being my moon came back to be nothing but a lie. You provided me artificial light and just kept on taking and taking and taking my pure light.

You drained me into a husk. I mentally was unwell. My body was protesting me and the world that you lived in.

And yet I tried and tried to make it work. I kept on telling myself maybe this time he will be better to me. Maybe this time he will put in the work. Maybe this time we will become sober for me. Maybe this time it will just be different.

But it never was. I fell in love with a selfish man. Someone who was too scared to life and too scared to change. Someone who didn’t know what it meant to be there for someone.

My slowly and softly just broke.. every piece of me was decaying.. rotting from the inside out.

And then I left.

Surprisingly to me you didn’t chase me.

You just watched me leave like you always did.

Actions is just something that never was important to you.

But when it was the last time to prove that you were to make that leap.. you just repeated your actions and behaviors.

So now here I am. Still holding out for this fake source of light.. still hoping that one day you will just prove that you are worthy to be in my life. I waited so patiently for you to just be better for your life and mine.. and it never came.

Healing has been hard. Filling your void with my passions has been even harder. But slowly I am reminding myself of who I am and who I am on the way of becoming.

I will no longer compare a man to the moon.. how silly it was of me to ever compare someone to the beautiful and purest light from the moon. Holding someone on a pedestal they could never ever be. So I shall fall in love with the real moon 🌙

Recovery 101

There is  an uncertain amount of sadness within me..

I am growing and learning but with each step that I move forward.. our distance between each other grows larger and larger.

No one talks about the ugly side of recovery. Where are the discussions or threads of how hard it is to be proud of yourself and your progress when you are leaving someone else behind? Where is my reddit for removing the toxic things and the shitty situations I was put in.. but not being able to save someone you love who also needs to recover? but refuses?..   How can I be proud and happy when all I feel is immense sadness and heartache?

I am trying to accept what the universe has and still is teaching me. But I can not shake the feelings of lost hopes and desires for the one person who caused all of this..

Healing is ugly. Healing is painful. There is no beauty in saving yourself while others need help but refuse to accept it.. You just leave them behind in the end and hope they found the light their own way.. but how is that okay?

Envious Beast

This pain is morphing me into an envious beast. I see others in good health and I can not help but wish that for me too. Why do they get to keep their health.. and I have to suffer?! Why can they be able to function and I am withering away as each day that passes?! I fear there will be a day this pain is going to rot me from the inside and I will be left with this hideous and angry shell of me…